Psychology & Neurodiversity

When You at This Image What do you Interpret?

Just as intentionally focusing on Allah’s blessings helps us recognise the good in our lives, constantly exposing ourselves to negativity can gradually distort our perception of the world. It can foster distrust, resentment and fear, eventually making us believe that we must control others or maintain the upper hand to protect ourselves. Ultimately, we risk taking it upon ourselves to control what is not ours to control, forgetting that Allah is the One in control of all affairs.

Social media algorithms can further reinforce this cycle by repeatedly showing us content that aligns with what we engage with, potentially creating an increasingly negative perception of the world. This is why we must be mindful of what we constantly expose ourselves to.

One of the best ways to counter this is to consistently read the Quran, ponder over its meanings and allow Allah’s words to shape how we see the world, rather than allowing the world to shape our hearts. The more we reflect on His guidance, the better equipped we become to recognise our own shortcomings, exercise justice towards others and place our trust in Allah rather than our own desire for control.

Never ever depend on a man for financial stability. Develop your talents and full potential and make bank so that you achieve your lifestyle and able to focus what matters to you in life without the chains of answering to someone else. Don't let any man determine your dunia and akhirah.

That is Real Freedom.

A Sin Nobody Talks About Enough ⚠️

Backbiting can feel like a casual conversation, but Allah warns us against it in the Qur’an.

Protect someone's honor when they're not around.

— Qur’an 49:12

Knowing your worth means staying true to yourself.

Never compromise who you are just to earn everyone’s love. Never make yourself smaller just to be accepted, and never become a stranger to your own soul just to avoid being alone.

Because betraying yourself often begins with the fear of losing others. 🌿

Exemplified by the legend that is…
Have you ever experienced a moment in life when every fibre of your being urged you to unleash your inner Cantona, yet you chose instead to walk away in silence ?

Feel free to acknowledge through a simple nod, or even use this space to dissipate if you need to.

You become so afraid of suffering that you accidentally create a life entirely shaped by it

What's shaping up your life currently?

Butterflies Won’t Pay The Bills 💰🦋

With all this talk about wanting butterflies, chemistry and that elusive spark before getting married, I’ve got a question.
How important are these feelings when it comes to actually sustaining a marriage, fid-dunya wal-akhirah?
Don’t get me wrong, butterflies and chemistry are lovely, but they’re certainly not what keeps a marriage going when life gets tough.
Islam gives us three beautiful foundations for marriage:

❤️ Sakinah: Tranquillity
❤️ Mawaddah: Affectionate love
❤️ Rahmah: Mercy

Allah ﷻ says:

“And among His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy.”
(Surah Ar-Rum (30:21))

Not a single mention of butterflies, fireworks or electric shocks from the Lord of the Worlds! Instead, Allah speaks of peace, love and mercy.
Now, before anyone accuses me of promoting boring marriages where the highlight of your evening is deciding whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, hear me out! 🤣
Butterflies are a feeling, not a foundation. They’re often a mixture of excitement, anticipation, nervousness and attraction.
And whilst there’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling them, they’re hardly a reliable compatibility test, are they? You can have butterflies with someone who’s completely wrong for you.
Equally, you can feel comfortable, safe and emotionally connected to someone without your stomach performing Olympic-level gymnastics every time they message you! 🤸‍♀️🤣
And here’s something worth thinking about. Sometimes what we mistake for a lack of chemistry is simply the absence of anxiety.
But does attraction matter?
<CUSTOM_BOLD>Of course it does!
Islam doesn’t dismiss physical attraction or romantic desire. In fact, the Prophet ﷺ encouraged prospective spouses to look at one another because it could help foster affection between them.
(Jamiʿ at-Tirmidhi 1087)
After all, you’re looking for a husband or wife, not a flatmate to split the council tax and argue over the thermostat with! 🤣
But attraction and chemistry aren’t necessarily the same thing. Chemistry can be instant, whereas genuine attraction can grow through kindness, understanding, emotional connection and mutual respect.
You don’t need fireworks on your first meeting, but there should be some attraction and a willingness to get to know one another.
And this is where I think we’re getting our priorities mixed up.
We’re so busy asking ourselves how someone makes us feel that we sometimes forget to ask who they actually are.

What’s their relationship with Allah like?
How’s their character?
Can they communicate without turning every disagreement into World War III?
Can they admit they’re wrong without needing a solicitor present? 🤭
Are they patient, considerate and emotionally mature?

Because let’s be realistic.
Butterflies won’t resolve your arguments. Chemistry won’t pay your bills. And that spark won’t suddenly turn someone with poor character into a wonderful spouse.
You might have enough chemistry to open your own laboratory, but what happens when the honeymoon period ends and real life comes knocking? 🧪🤣

When you’re exhausted?
When finances are tight?
When illness strikes?
When you’re both getting on each other’s nerves?
When your spouse isn’t exactly winning the Husband or Wife of the Year award that particular day?

That’s when those three beautiful qualities mentioned in the Qur’an really matter.

❤️ Sakinah
Knowing you can be yourself without constantly walking on eggshells. Being able to disagree without disrespecting one another. Feeling safe, understood and at peace in someone’s presence.

❤️ Mawaddah
Love isn’t just about saying those three little words. It’s about showing it. Remembering how your spouse likes their coffee.
Noticing when they’re tired.
Listening when they’ve had a difficult day. Doing the little things without expecting a standing ovation every time! 👏

❤️ Rahmah
Mercy. And this, for me, is where the real beauty of marriage lies. Because real love doesn’t just show up when everything’s sunshine, roses and romantic dinners. Real love shows up when life tests you to your limits. When you’re struggling, exhausted or at rock bottom.
It’s the person who stands beside you when things get difficult, rather than suddenly developing disappearing skills that would put Houdini to shame! 🤭
The one who chooses patience over anger, kindness over harshness and understanding over judgement.
The one who reminds you of Allah when your heart feels heavy. Because anyone can be loving when life’s going swimmingly and nobody’s getting on anyone’s nerves! But loving someone through life’s difficulties? That’s where character, commitment and mercy really show themselves.
And before anyone thinks I’m suggesting we marry someone we’re not attracted to, absolutely not! Attraction matters. Romance matters. Emotional intimacy matters. Nobody’s suggesting a marriage where the only sparks flying are from a faulty toaster! 🤣
But here’s the thing. Before nikah, you’re getting to know someone based on what you’ve seen of their character. It’s only after marriage, when you begin sharing the everyday realities of life, that you discover deeper sides of one another.
You might fall in love with who you believe someone is before nikah, but it’s through marriage that you learn what loving that person really involves.
And sometimes the most beautiful love isn’t the one that starts with fireworks.
It’s the one that grows in the background through friendship, trust, laughter, affection and countless little acts of kindness.
Don’t confuse the intensity of a connection with the depth of its potential.
Butterflies might make your heart race, but sakinah allows it to rest. Chemistry might make you want to spend every waking moment together, but character helps you navigate a lifetime together.
And let’s not forget, we’re not just looking for someone to share a few exciting years with in this dunya. We’re looking for someone who will help us grow in our deen, bring us closer to Allah and, by His mercy, become our companion in Jannah.
So perhaps instead of only asking:

“<CUSTOM_BOLD>Do they give me
butterflies?”🦋

We should also be asking:

“<CUSTOM_BOLD>Do they bring me peace?”
“Can we disagree without declaring war?”
“Will we show each other mercy when life gets difficult?”

And most importantly:

“Will this person help me become someone Allah is pleased with?”

Because butterflies are beautiful, but they’re not a marriage strategy. +And chemistry without having character? Well, that’s just a chemical reaction waiting to blow up in your face!🧪💥🤣

So I’m curious. 🤔
Are we putting too much emphasis on finding that initial spark and overlooking the qualities that actually keep a marriage alive?
Or do you think butterflies and instant chemistry are essential before saying </CUSTOM_BOLD>Qubool Hai?
Because butterflies eventually settle, but a love built on sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah? That’s the kind of love that has wings of its own. 🦋❤️*

https://www.theuntangledself.com/p/the-chemistry-lie-why-butterflies

Some mates tell me that a little bit of toxicity in a relationship is healthy and it keep the relationship alive, but I feel like I just want peace like I’m getting to old for toxic traits and childish behaviour, like I understand arguments are bond to happen but I just choose peace and understanding over toxic any day of the week, what do you guys prefer?

You can't become truly happy by thinking only of yourself.

Most people seek happiness as though it were something to accumulate.

More money.
More comfort.
More experiences.

"The more I possess, the happier I become."
But the soul does not follow the laws of economics.

If you give away $50, you have less.
If you share your joy, you often have more.

Imagine accomplishing something meaningful.
Now imagine telling someone who genuinely rejoices in your success.

Their happiness does not diminish yours.
It deepens it.

Your joy awakens joy in them, and their response returns to you like warmth from a second flame.

This is why joy differs from material wealth:

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
Yet the room becomes brighter.

Human happiness works in much the same way.

A teacher delighting in a student's growth.
Friends celebrating one another's achievements without envy.
A community united by a meaningful ideal.

Dr Steiner describes a profound relationship:
Love → Joy → Understanding

Love awakens joy.
Joy opens us to the world.
And an open soul develops the capacity to understand both life and other human beings.

The selfish person asks:
"What can the world give me?"

The loving person gradually learns to ask:
"What can I rejoice in?"

Not only in himself.

But in truth.
Beauty.
The successes of others.
The good wherever it appears.

And in doing so, he discovers something remarkable:

The sources of happiness become almost limitless.

Perhaps one of life's greatest mistakes is believing that happiness must first be acquired.
Often, deeper happiness is found in what we give, celebrate, and awaken in others.

A flame does not become poorer by lighting another.
And a human soul does not become poorer by bringing warmth into the lives of others.

Happiness grows most when it stops being something we try to possess.