All things marriage

Ohkayyyy. So I'd get married to the love of my life soon.😔☺ And guess what😌 my partner would be a blessing and a gift from Allah., 💯 Aminnnn.
Claim it......... And pray 🙏

Looking for a serious relationship 💍🤍

I’m single and searching

Good morning 🦦

I wanted to ask this question for while because I want to understand the lived experience of muslims/muslimahs in Bangladesh. I won’t judge. But I’d appreciate your honest input, regarding what you’ve seen, known or think (and do). Please be nice to your fellow commenters.

So the question is:

Would you prefer a spouse who earns crazy (even though you know it might not be fully/partially halal) or someone who is earning halal but cannot keep up as much with their more successful counterparts?

I am not very comfortable with this, but I’m sharing my story for the context.

I usually have very amicable conversations with prospects. People usually back off when I speak the truth regarding any or all three of these reasons:

1. I have a mental health disability.
2. I have am divorced and have a kid.
3. When they ask if I have a job, I say I am not employed in the conventional sense and don’t have a stable income at this point.

I say this because this is my principles. I can’t/won’t lie just to convince someone they should marry me.

So far I’ve seen the usual play out. A feverish initial enthusiasm wanes as quickly as it appears. I try not to judge, but it’s very hard not to. But yes, I understand that this is natural, given the reality we live in.

But I want to take this opportunity to share the rest of the story that most people do not have patience for in the chat.

I started my career with journalism. I worked for 6 months. They never paid me. So I left. I still have payments to receive from 4 national dailies.

At some point, I joined an NGO. Got recognized for my talents very quickly. Promotion followed. But I suspected my income might not be halal due to the my organization’s ideological stance and affiliation. It ate me on most days from the inside.

Something happened and I used it as an opportunity to switch.

Two weeks in, I got headhunted for another role. I’m feel bad saying this but the company was backed by two governments, and it was crazy money.

Everything in life suddenly fell into place. Suddenly I was the most eligible bachelor. I attracted a lot of attention, acquaintances grew and got married within a year. It all happened so fast!

Yet again, I knew that my income might not be halal. It kept me up at night. For the rest 5 years or so I struggled with this single question: Do I pick the halal path and leave everything behind or continue with the haram. It was not an easy process.

But Alhamdulillah I had my sign and opportunity when my son was born. I left that job citing my health. The Managing Director rejected my resignation several times. But I just had to.

Was I foolish to leave a lucrative job like that in an economy like this, just because I believed I should be earning halal? For many, it may seem like so. But honestly, I don’t regret.

After I left, my life had some immediate drastic ‘adjustments’. My ex (then-wife) suddenly was not so sure about me. People stopped responding to my calls and texts. All the background attention and respect, I enjoyed all these years did not take much long to fade away. Some of my relatives who for obvious reasons kept in touch suddenly started sounding busy.

And, I did get isolated even more when I cut off many friends and contacts because I knew their ‘characters’. But the real advantage was that I got to opportunity to know if I had any well wishers at all. Perhaps the biggest benefit was that my mental-health improved like 200x times overnight.

So now, the other obviously question. How am I earning now?

Alhamdulillah, despite not having a stable income stream, I’m still continuing to bootstrap my startup. I’ve been at it for 4 years now. And I’ve made considerable progress in my work Alhamdulillah. The only reason I’m slow to revenue is because I work alone and handle 13 business functions on my own. Plus I still have to take care of my son, and my parents. It’s been ‘not-so-easy’ juggling all these responsibilities and then make progress with work that requires intense focus and long hours of work.

People who know me know where I excel. I’ve done management consulting and design gigs in the past. But I really didn’t see any future. And I was right. Those niches are getting rapidly automated since LLMs came into the scene.

Why do I not have stable income?

Well. I think you should ask my clients.

I’ve done a few medium length projects for my clients. It’s not me, they themselves admitted that the quality of my work is exceptional. In the meanwhile, I had received a diverse range of offers. From teaching at two Universities, to joining a startup, to return to journalism, to do an internship at World Bank to writing content for betting sites. I don’t think I need to explain that all of these are perfectly good money. The catch is — I don’t think they’d always be halal.

I only work with people I can trust. So my network is not very large. My clients are widely respected, and practicing muslims (i.e. Prays 5 times at mosque). Yet, when it came to settling dues of my labor, they’ve only disappointed me.

For 4 years, I’ve worked on gigs while also pushing my own project and it feels like I’ve mostly done free services in between. In 67% of the cases, I did not receive any compensation at all.

You might point finger at me for having some part in this failure. Maybe I have. I did mention contracts and formalizations. What I wasn’t aware was how much Bangladeshis are notorious for being unwilling to pay for honest labor. And more importantly, I did not except this kind of deception from people who seem ‘practicing’ Muslims.

If you think a rejection after a 5 hour conversation on muzz is hard, please imagine mine. 40-60 hours worth of work spanning across months. They say reap the results, say thank you and then ghost.

Now. The burning question.

I know, I am not earning as much as crazy as I did even just 5 years ago. But whatever I’m earning right now is pretty halal. Even though right now, it might not be as much.

I still pick my contracts after careful considerations of whether they maybe halal or not. So the window of opportunity is tight too.

In the mosques, on youtube, and even in common discussions, my Muslim brothers and sisters would advise against haram income.

Yet what I can’t match is when it comes to paying for halal work, or choosing a person for marriage who prefers halal income than haram, suddenly I don’t look very successful/eligible. It’s as if choosing halal is my biggest red flag.

I am not frustrated with myself. I know the things I do are way more productive than an average job holder. More importantly I think thing what I’m building has considerable value. It might not be so mature now, but if I can keep it up, InshaAllah it could help many new entrepreneurs and innovators. I love my work and I refuse to settle for less challenging work when I can contribute so much to this field.

When Allah SWT gives, none can take it away. When Allah Azza Wa Jall takes away, none can stop it.

I’ve seen so many profiles who explicitly mention they want a spouse with a considerable level of income/wealth. But rarely I’ve seen someone mentioning or showing preference that they are okay with someone earning halal even if it’s not that much.

I lsay this again, this is not me passing judgement. Allah SWT has gifted me with patience and empathy. Alhamdulillah. I do understand the reality. The economy, the complexities of our sociocultural lives and having this in-betweenness of modern/secular aspirations while being born/belonging to muslim families.

I’ve shared my story to make the point. I think this topic is underrated it is something that should be discussed more within muslim marriage communities. Such attitude and state of disincentives for halal income harms muslims/muslimahs first, even though it may not be very visible.

Finances are one of the core aspect of a marriage. So why have this dual-standard? Don’t you think something here needs change?

We are all humans, forgive as much as you can.
For the last moments are unknown to us.
Pray always! And Fear the Almighty who sees and knows all.

Hello

Hi

Everything that is easy seems very easy if we see it as a small thing. Is it?

H r u all friend s
Aoa All friend s