Muslims in Hamburg
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Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh, and I wish you all a blessed and good day.
I have a question that has been on my mind for some time, and I wonder if others feel the same way.
Should the steps of getting to know each other for marriage be clear, structured, and goal-oriented, leading within a reasonable time to a defined outcome: either marriage or a respectful separation?
Or am I thinking differently from most people?
Sometimes I wonder: when a person reaches a certain age and has gone through many life experiences—years of study, work, travel, dealing with people, experiencing success and failure, reading hundreds of books, and meeting many different personalities and situations—shouldn’t all of this bring a certain level of clarity?
Shouldn’t there be enough confusion already experienced?
Enough doubt?
Enough trial and error?
Enough cycles of desire, withdrawal, and return?
If all of this has happened, why does it still feel like we start from zero every time?
I feel that after such experiences, a person should be clearer with themselves. They should know what they want, what they do not want, which questions matter, and what criteria are needed to judge compatibility with another person.
The goal is not to rush, but to be serious.
There should be time for getting to know each other, but that time should have direction, structure, and purpose.
Marriage should be a real priority, not a secondary idea at the end of a list of interests.
What I often see is that people ask for time to get to know each other, but they do not have a plan for that time.
They say: I want to get to know you.
Alright—but how?
No questions.
No deep conversations.
No real curiosity.
No sharing of stories and experiences.
No attempt to understand personality.
No situations that reveal behavior.
No exploration of values.
And then time passes without anything happening.
A message every ten hours.
Two lines here and two lines there.
After weeks or months, we are still at the same point.
When you ask about serious steps, the usual answers come:
“I want to get to know you better.”
“Relationships need time.”
“I am still unsure.”
“I still have doubts.”
“I need security.”
But I wonder:
How can security come without closeness?
How can you know without asking?
How can you discover without searching?
And how can you understand without listening?
I am here.
Ask me whatever you want.
Open every door of my life.
You will find answers.
I tell my story.
And I expect you to tell yours.
I share my thoughts.
And I expect you to share yours.
But often what happens is that one side makes a real effort while the other treats it as a side experience.
As if marriage is a side project.
If it happens, fine.
If not, it does not matter much.
For someone who is serious, the matter is completely different.
It is not about endless conversations without direction.
Not about open waiting without an end.
Not about a gray relationship that neither moves forward nor ends.
It is about a life.
A real life.
A real home.
A real partner.
Someone to sit with at the same table.
To share a warm meal.
To go for walks.
To watch a movie.
To read a book.
To agree and disagree.
To laugh and struggle together.
To wake up under the same roof.
To raise one or two children.
And to build a shared story.
This is the outcome I am looking for.
That is why it is difficult for me to understand why some people ask for time but do not actually use it.
They want to get to know each other, but they do not ask questions.
They want closeness, but they do not come closer.
They want understanding, but they do not listen.
They want to know the story, but they do not tell their own.
And sometimes I ask myself:
If we do not benefit from all the years we have lived, all our experiences, and all our lessons, then what was the purpose of all of it?
If we remain trapped in the same uncertainty, the same doubt, the same fear, and the same waiting?
Maybe I am wrong.
Or maybe I am simply different.
But I still believe that serious getting to know someone is not about duration, but about honesty.
It is not about more time, but about better use of time.
Not about waiting for time to reveal everything, but about having the courage to open closed doors, ask difficult questions, and reach a clear decision:
Either we walk together on the same path…
Or we separate with respect before we waste our lives in a place that leads nowhere.
#copied_!
I’ve been reading random quotes and posts lately, and it reminds me how important it is to start with ourselves. It’s so easy to notice everything in others and set a long list of expectations, while forgetting to reflect on our own place in it all. It’s important to separate what truly is a bare minimum from what is extra because not everything holds the same weight, neither in us nor in others. :)
📍Hamburg
